This morning I attended my daughters elementary school Christmas brunch and sing-a-long. She is such a tender soul, and observing her in her own little world facinates and delights me. As much a tom-boy as she is a diva, rather than the typical playground clothes that support her girls-chase-boys activities, this morning was all crisp white tights, black patent leather shoes and her red Christmas dress, complete with jacket. She looked amazing. (And what mother wouldn't think so?)
I love the seasons for all sorts of reasons. Christmas has been a bit tougher this year - and I needed to find a reason to believe again. I can tell you that it isn't in the Meijer parking lot, nor the school parking lot at 3:31 on Friday! I found it today in simple, obvious places.
- It was in the smile from the "special" girl in our daughter's class as I helped her to clean green frosting off of pretty much everywhere after her craft project exploded. Her smile warmed my heart as I warmed her cold hands in mine.
- It was in the antlers and rush of our 5-year old friend Tristan as he ran to open the "heaviest door in the world" for us this morning.
- It was in the group hug that I received from Katrina and BFF Samantha at drop off.
- It filled the auditorium when all of the students came together and stumbled through songs and hand gestures they kind of knew, but not with so many people watching.
- It roared through the building when Santa Clause made his entrance - a very large 6 foot plus Santa that had just scared me as we collided coming out of the restrooms. How can he be so many places at once?
- I even heard it in the laughter of our mailman who has gotten stuck on the ice in front of our row of houses EVERY SINGLE DAY and still finds humor!
To quote an old friend, that many of us know: "It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes, or bags! Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small, was singing, without any presents at all! He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming, it came! Somehow or other, it came just the same."
For my friends and followers, I hope that the spirit of the holidays finds you in some small, personal way this season. Just take a minute to stop and look around you - you'll see it, and I'll bet you smile just a bit, and that your heart grows three sizes. Happy Holidays!
I spent a month in China last week. At least that is how it felt.
We flew to Beijing, then Ghangzhou with our daughter to meet our new son, Kye. Expectations were high.
Kye toddled into the room of the Civil Affairs Building and little bells started going off in my head. "He is so much smaller than I envisioned him from his pictures," I thought. "He seems more like a 2-year old than a 4-year old." But Kye had a sweet, shy smile and he was likely scared as well, right? I watched our daughter, Katrina, try to interact with him, and more bells started ringing as he looked almost through her - the first child we had come into contact with since arrival in China that wasn't drawn to her aura and her golden hair.
Hours, and eventually days with Kye confirmed what my subconscious already knew - Kye had more emotional and developmental issues than his caregivers and evaluators had realized and that we were prepared to take on. The lack of interaction, both physical and emotional, that these children receive in an orphanage stunts their development and creates a host of other issues as they as unequipped to deal with their own feelings. While sweet and engaging some of the time, Kye had a dark side as well which manifested itself physically through hitting, kicking and fighting. Katrina referred to him as "rough," which coming from a little girl who loves to wrestle and can hang with the best of the boys, means really rough.
In the end, after calls back to the States in the middle of the night, refusing to sign paperwork to finalize the adoption, lots of tears and little sleep, we made the best decision we could for all - we decided to not move forward with our adoption.
This little boy, who I had waited 4 1/2 years for, needed more than we (I) could give him. He needed a mom who could focus only on him, not dividing her time between a busy 6 year old while helping him to grow and catch-up with his age. Bringing Kye home would have been a selfish decision on our part that would have negatively impacted him, our daughter, our marriage and likely resulted in my resenting him on some level.
While much of the guidance we received in-country was that we should "pray harder and give it more time," I was pretty confident that if I could have heard God speak aloud he was saying, "Laura AmRhein, I gave you two helpings of common sense and intuition - listen to it!" And in the end, I did, and make the most difficult, emotional decision that I could - in partnership with my family. Kye needed a great family, but we weren't it.
People can judge us as they will. I answer to myself, my family and a higher being that helped to guide us through our decision. I am not a quitter and I can still look at myself in the mirror. Sadly, we had room in our hearts for another child, and this is likely now not to be - but we have a wonderful little girl who deserves her own blog entry for how amazing, intuitive and well behaved she was through the entire trip, and we'll find other ways to fill that place. Our marriage is likely stronger because of it. John and I have never had to partner and balance each other through anything like this before, and I am hopeful that nothing will come close for a long time to come.
We dropped Kye off at the Civil Affairs Office and worked through the specifics of closing the legal pieces and parts. They weren't surprised we had called, and agreed that he likely needed to be an only child or at least the center of attention for some family. He happily jumped from my arms back to his caregiver as if he had returned from an extended sleep over. He laughed away as we proudly showed his caregiver the big-boy Micky Mouse underwear he was wearing. I gave him a hug and kiss and waved good bye.
The easy part, if you can call it that, was saying goodbye to Kye. I still cry, a lot, when I go back through the past week in my mind. The harder part is to come - dealing with the end of this chapter. My primary focus in the short term is ensuring that our daughter is okay. I'll deal with the rest of the emotion over time.
Chapters in life are a roller coaster. Emotional ups and downs. Experiences that you would do again in a heart beat, or happily check off of the bucket list and never look back. This one is a combination of the two for me. I did the right thing for all parties - I truly believe that. The end result is the right one, and it still sucks.
I've lost count of the number of people who tell us that we are brave. Brave for adopting "at our age." THANKS FRIENDS! Brave for traveling to China. (We've both been there, and it isn't that scary!) Brave for taking our 6 year old daughter Katrina on that long of a plane ride. Okay, you may have us there.
The true brave one in this journey is Kye. Wenhua, currently - until the adoption is finalized in early December. Kye will leave everything that he has ever known, be handed over to people he has never met in his young life and bring with him just the clothes on his back - literally. Kye is the brave one - he just doesn't know it yet. He was dropped off at the orphanage when he was 2-days old with cleft lip / cleft palette. He's never know anything else. We will introduce him, in a very short period of time, to planes, trains, automobiles, sisters, dogs, cats, mom and dads, and likely, snow. Kye is the brave one.
Our intentions are pure - we want to give him a better life, and leave a forever-friend for our daughter. I believe that we can do both. Kye will experience things with us that China could never offer him, based on his current circumstances. Of course he will be subjected to the sharp AmRhein humor, a lot of tickles, snugs, nights all smashed together with dogs, cats and family in the basement "snug pit" and likely far worse than that - but it's all good!
Going with the "chapter" theme that I've started - I hope that this will be the beginning of an incredible chapter in Kye's life. I know that it will be for us! Children are a blessing, and while the family will be all upside down for a bit as we figure out how to rebalance, I believe that this little guy will bring much more with him than we ever imagined!
More to come on the prequel to Kye. The adoption process is something that deserves several chapters. But for now, at the start, you know as much about Kye as we do and I'll share as much as I can as we get started on chapter 44a.
On a humourous note - Katrina and I have been going through all of the great hand-me-downs we've received. I noted that we don't have a lot of pants yet, as we really don't know what size he'll wear, and I suggested that some of her 3T or 4T pants might work. "But momma," she replied, "there isn't a hole for, you know, his...peeper!" And so little boys are on the verge of entering a female dominated household. More to come early next week! Cheers
