When there is no answer to the question, "Why?"

Yesterday an unthinkable act of selfish cowardice occured.  A gunman forced his way into an elementary school and began to shoot.  Efficiently.  Randomly.  Deadly.  As a human being I was moved to tears.  As a parent I felt my breath leave my body.  Oh my God. 

When it was all said and done, the actual act took a mere few minutes.  And in those few minutes, 27 people lost their lives - 20 of which were children between the ages of 5 and 10.  But this single act of cowardice by a disturbed individual will impact others lives forever. 

I'm not here to pass judgement on him.  Many will.  What he did is beyond my imagination or ability to understand.  Many more will pass judgement on his parents in an attempt to find an answer to an unanswerable question. "Why?"

It is the children, their families and the responders that I cry for.  And I do cry, everytime I read another update on the internet.  I cry because I feel for them, and I somehow imagine myself in a similar situation and know the extent of what I would do for my own daughter, and what I know her teachers and caregivers would do for her in a similar situation - as did many adults in the school that day.  I also feel guilt in a strange way.  Call it survivors guilt, but I thank God that it wasn't my child, or her school.  At least not today.

I can not begin to imagine the anguish that the responders must have felt as they ran through the school building seeking the shooter, leading survivors to safety, and seeing the children who likely looked with trust and confusion at the person who came through their classroom door in their final moments of life.  "Why?"

I can only imagine the anguish that parents and siblings felt as they met at the firehouse to collect their child, and the relief that their child, or children, where okay.  And the unimaginable horror of those parents whose children where not there, and where not okay.  To add insult to injury, they had to wait hopelessly and helplessly until their childs body was released to hold them one more time and apologize for not being there to protect them, always.  A promise that I make every morning and every night to my own daughter.  "I will not let anything bad happen to you." 

I can only imagine what the world has lost with some of these little souls.  Future leaders, teachers, mothers and fathers.  Little lives who still had lives to live.  Not fair.  "Why?"

It is difficult to believe in God these days, just in watching everything that is happening in the world.  And yet, I do. 
It is difficult to trust that a majority of the people in the world are good and mean well.  And yet, I do.

Forgiveness isn't mine to give - this horrible unimaginable act isn't mine to forgive, as I know none of the victims personally.  Understanding maybe, but I don't have it to give right now.

I had a friend in highschool who died unexpectedly.  It was my first time dealing with death when I was truly old enough to get it.  Another friend give several of us this poem that I have kept with me to this day.  I read it every once in awhile - probably more so as a parent, and with it I find peace.

I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine,"  He said.
For you to love - while he lives
And mourn for when he's dead.

It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back,
Take care of him for Me?

He'll bring his smiles to gladden you,
And should this stay be brief
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.

I've looked this world over
In search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd
Life's lanes, I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love,
Nor count the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call to
Take him back again?"

I fancied that I heard them say,
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,

The risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known
Forever grateful stay.

But should the angels call for him
Much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that come
And try to understand."

God bless the families and all of those so personally touched by the tragedy yesterday in Newtown, Connecticut.  And for all of us touched because we are good and we do care, I hope that you can find some comfort and hug your loved ones and little tighter and TELL THEM how much you love them, how much you need them, and that they have made your life better by being in it.

"Why?"  Because it matters.