My banana-scare, in addition to ruining my breakfast that day, did give me cause to observe what other num-nut type things myself and my fellow commuters might be doing on our respective drives to and from work. The following made my Top 10 list.
- The Phone Talker: Chatty-Cathy paying far more attention to the person they are on the phone with than what is happening around them. Typically female, usually young and driving a small 2-door early 90's model car in red. Don't confuse these with the Self-Important-Business-Person archetype coming up in a few!
- The Food Eater: Mindlessly eating an Egg McMuffin value meal with large coffee or Diet Coke. No typical sex here - we've become a nation of commuting fast-food eater's. Typically the 40-something generation or younger. (My parents wouldn't be caught dead eating in their car, and neither should I!) If you drive an SUV you can sometimes catch a quick peek into the smaller food-eater cars, and on a good day I would offer to pay for detailing work.
- The Make-Up-Putter-On er: Able to apply eye-liner, mascara and lipstick using both hands and steering with her knees - a talent I never attempted, let alone mastered! An interesting addition to this archetype, a large percentage of this group smokes WHILE applying their make-up WHILE driving their car. If random traffic-stops occurred for lack of safe driving, this group would fail. ALMOST always female - we embrace individuality here in West Michigan - and typically driving a late 80's / early 90's vehicle with either an "I Love the 80's" or "White Snake" bumper sticker.
- The Dog-Driver: This group practices tandem driving with small, scruffy dog either in their lap or happily hanging off of the drivers side window, tongue fully rolled out and flapping in the wind. Vehicles tend to be large in nature - conversion vans, RV's, with 50+ drivers at the wheel.
- The Angry Mom: I'm going to piss off my sister and other friends with this one, but the 99.9% of the time, the "Angry Mom" drives a mini-van. (I would be angry too!) I am NOT saying that everyone who drives a mini-van is angry. Van's can be identified with the "family" stickers on the back-window identifying how many kids and pets are vexing her as well as bumper stickers identifying them as Mary Kay or Avon representatives.
- The Defeated Dad: This group is another key sub-set / target consumer for the mini-van marketing folk. He is easily identified by the short-sleeve dress shirt and slouch to his shoulders. Defeated Dad will smile shyly at you when you pass. The bumper sticker varies from "I'd Rather Be Fishing" to "Lost Wife and Dog. Reward for Dog."
- The Self Important Business Person: One of my favorite groups to mess with! Middle-age men AND women talking with great animation on their cell phones, notes and papers positioned in the passenger-side seat for quick reference. Often using a blue-tooth (extra points for safety with both hands available!) at least one hand is moving about the cock-pit of the car the further get his/her point across. Typically driving black / dark grey BMW's, Audi's or other high end vehicles - this group wouldn't be caught DEAD with a bumper sticker on their car. I can only assume that they are talking an intern through open-heart surgery on their way to the hospital or negotiating world-peace, talking the Russian's down from firing upon us, or some other world-changing task.
- The Closet American Idol: Women AND men singing to their hearts content and almost always smiling! In your car or the shower, your voice is the best voice ever - ensuring you a spot in at least the Top 5 on American Idol. No typical car type here, but the windows are almost always closed tightly, no matter the weather, to ensure privacy with their performance. If you frequent local karaoke locales, you may catch a glimpse of someone you've passed on your commute.
- The Nervous Nelly: Also known as "The Vexer" these are the very new or very old drivers who follow the speed limit (or 5-10 less than) to the letter of the law, keep their hands at 10 and 2 and are ALWAYS in the fast lane, vexing you on your way in! You always encounter them when you are running late and your fellow commuters snicker and glance sideways at you as they sneak around you on the right side. "Ha Ha! Better you than me, suckah!" they think. Young Nelly drivers are often in older Ford or Chevy 2 doors while the older set sport well-preserved 70-something American sedans that easily sit 8! The positive with the older set, they are rarely out in the winter time.
- The Antagonist: The exact opposite of the Nervous Nelly - this is the driver that either drives slightly below the speed limit in the passing lane until you go to pass on the right, giving them the signal that it's time to speed up, thwarting your efforts. Another sub-set of this group can easily be identified as the construction-lane-passers - speeding along and forcing themselves in at the front of the line for all lane-merges. Typical car is tougher here, but I'm going to go with older pick-up truck with a Calvin cartoon character peeing on some automotive logo and the T-O-T-A scratched off the back tailgate, leaving just "YO." Clever, I know!
If you find yourself in one or more of the above and had your feelings hurt, I assure you, that wasn't my intent. I'm just observing life as I cruise along the highway to and from work.
If you are wondering where I fall - to point 3 fingers and 1 thumb back at myself...I am the Food-Eater-Occasional-Dog-Driver-American-Idol-Wanna-Be chick. Yes, I love the McMuffin's and I NEED my Diet Coke. I have three super-sized dogs that don't sit in my lap, but do hang out of various windows at 55 mph, and I AM a Music / Music Performance Major - so would you expect any less of me?
Coming Next - An Ode to My Father...who just retired after 46 years with the same company. Whoa!
Peace out - and take a deep breath while you drive, and comment back either here or on Facebook with your own driver archetypes!
