A trap door opened this week, letting all sorts of ghosts and ghouls out of my subconscious and into my now.
Four months ago I said goodbye to a little boy that I barely knew, but had spent 4 1/2 years waiting for. I still see snap shots of my brief time with him at unexpected moments throughout the day. His shy little smile. His fierce need to find solid ground. His little sense of humor. He wasn't mine, but I had waited so long that I still find it difficult to completely let go.
Around the same time, I had the opportunity to close my "cancer" chapter - removing the pieces and parts of me that had caused challenges for almost half my life. It was such an easy decision - at the time.
So what happened to let all of these feelings and emotions resurface?
Strangely enough, a post-surgery check-up.
Somehow in seeing the post-surgery pictures - the healthy before and the dead, cold after brought everything that I had tucked away in my subconscious to the surface and I found the glimpses of Kye and his shy little smile to me more frequent, the regret of waiting so long to have children stronger and the anger over all of the pieces of my past that I had been forced to endure alone surging to the surface of my conscious forcing me to confront them.
I cried for no apparent reason in my car on the way to work.
I couldn't talk about what I was feeling. (Not that this was unusual.)
I wouldn't look at myself in the mirror.
When I look down deep inside myself, I know that I did the right thing. In all cases, I made the best decision for all parties. But I'm still sad - and I don't know quite what to do what that.
I also know that I need a break - and that I likely need to let all of this emotion out, I just don't know how, and to who.
This isn't about my family - this is about me.
Writing is my outlet - but in this case, I don't know that it will be enough.
So - as much as this is for me, this is for others I know are out there - who have made similar decisions, or wish they had. That need to talk, but need a neutral party. This says, it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to not know how to handle all of the feelings that flood you. It's okay to be sad. We don't always have to be alright all of the time.
I'm a strong woman, and I've survived far worse, but somehow the little face that almost was with Kye, and the little face that never will be my own have pulled something to the surface that is stronger than I've dealt with in awhile.
Tugging my ear like Carol Burnett to let you know I'm okay - but the sadness is sitting just under the surface - so just be my friend and we'll get through it together.
I am so sorry. I had no idea what you went through on your drive in. I know we've only known each other for a couple months but I am always here to listen and offer any advice I can.
ReplyDeleteSo I've found that this is often how these things happen. Not that I can speak from the experiences that you have had to take on, but it's common for feelings you thought you had put away to creep back up when you least expect it.
With the surgery, you knew it was the right decision and you knew it was for the best; much like the adoption. So now being forced to go back for a check up and reflect on your decisions suddenly makes it all real once more. You made the right choice in both cases. REMEMBER that! Never forget it! Remember why you made these choices, for your family, for your health and this should give you comfort.
We all need a good cry sometimes too so let it out. It's part of the process. You'll get through this you just need time to relax, let your body heal itself and clear your head.
~Lindsey